Resolutions

It is traditional to make a resolution on New Year’s Day, something meant to improve one’s life in some meaningful way. One might resolve to go on a diet, to go green, to start saving money, to drink eight glasses of water per day, or to go to bed at a reasonable hour each night.

Although there are many such actions that I could take to improve my life, I have found that announcing a resolution is a sure-fire way to torpedo it. However, there are always those merry souls that will greet one throughout January with a hearty “Happy New Year!” and will then (whether greeted in kind or not) proceed to quiz one about one’s New Year’s Resolutions.

In such cases, I could try to supply a plausible resolution such as, “I’m going to eat healthy foods!” Unfortunately, that would (consciously or not) result in the torpedoing of that resolution, and I’d inevitably find myself eating The 20 Worst Foods In America in a single meal.

And then I’d most likely also be subjected to a disappointed tsk-ing from that merry busybody who had not only but also learned of my gastronomic indiscretions, but had also (for some reason) memorized my resolution.

So you see why that strategy is right out.

I could simply tell such interested people that I’ve resolved to do something highly unlikely. Perhaps I’ve resolved to hike Mount Kilimanjaro, to dive the Great Barrier Reef, or to prove that P=NP.

This is a tricky strategy to get right. Too extravagant of an answer might just prompt the merry busybody to begin a conversation about the supposed goal, and worse, mention it again (repeatedly) later. Too implausible of an answer might initiate a game of Guess The Resolution, in which case the merry busybody iterates through one’s shortcomings until one can take no more and, in desperation to escape, agrees to the very next resolution that the merry busybody suggests. Another outcome to be avoided. Worse, one then finds oneself in the Plausible Resolution scenario above.

So that strategy is out as well.

Instead, I prefer to resolve not to make a New Year’s Resolution. This immediately settles the question of when one’s New Year’s Resolution will be broken, allowing one to focus on such important things as improving one’s diet, saving more money, and going to bed at a reasonable hour each night.

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