On Low-Flow Toilets

Dear Low-Flow Toilet,

I know why you’re here. I understand that conserving water is important. I know you use a third of the water that a standard toilet uses. Now here’s our problem. If I have to flush you three times before you’re safe to use again, then haven’t your supposedly water-saving features actually cost me an extra flush?

Why can’t you be more like the industrial toilet at work? I press a button and ba-VOOM! All evidence is gone in an instant. Truly, the flush of the gods. Capricious, jealous gods who punish lowly mortals who dare gaze into the vortex of the beyond with a squall of cootie-water, but gods nonetheless.

As far as I can tell, the only difference between the two of you is that you have a tank full of water, and it has a tank full of machinery. Some sort of steampunk contraption that harnesses vacuum energy and converts it into hydraulic momentum, no doubt.

In conclusion, dear Low-Flow Toilet, consider this your final verbal reprimand. Should you continue your poor performance, punitive action will be taken. With prejudice.


The Electronic Replicant.

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4 thoughts on “On Low-Flow Toilets”

  1. Okay… but… mine combines the best of both worlds, so I know such a thing is possible. It uses less water, but has effectively violent flushing that not only rids the toilet of ordure, but also manages to scrub the sides clean in the process. Niiiiice.

  2. BTW, this same principle applies to that cheap, stiff-but-gossamer-thin, utterly non-absorbent industrial toilet paper that comes on the gigantic rolls. If you need five times as much of it to do the same job as regular toilet paper… what is the point? Plus, it really bums me out when the core is oval causing the entire roll to CLANG loudly enough to echo out into the hallways so that everyone you work with knows you’ve pulled off enough TP to circle the globe three times. Sheesh… talk about TMI.

  3. I think the hack in question is a “pressure assist” upgrade kit, but as far as I can tell, that involves replacing the entire assemblage, not just the tank.

    Having ordure scouring action would definitely be an added bonus.

    I think the giant oval rolls may just be an anti-theft feature… but if you’re desperate enough to steal toilet paper, you probably don’t care if it’s going to fit on your roller.

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