Friday V

A friend told me there’d be a new TV series based on V this fall. "As in V for Vendetta?" I gasped. But no, he meant the rubber-masked guinea-pig-eating snake-faced invading aliens V. Which was the inspiration for this week’s Friday Five

1. If aliens were invading, what would you do, hide or wait by your TV?
Neither. I’d cough Swine Flu all over them. Alien death machines are no match for superior Terran viruses. Never mind that they’d probably be as susceptible to my sniffles as I would be to Dutch Elm disease.
2. The aliens have landed and they haven’t blown the planet to bits, how would you react if they looked like us?
I would be incredibly surprised. The chances of that are utterly ludicrous. Never mind that’s what television has claimed all along.
3. What if the aliens were disgusting looking (like a pile of rotten cheese), then how would you react?
I would be a bit more satisfied, although I think even rotten cheese is a bit too terracentric. Never mind all those fools who’d claim the aliens were all Photoshopped.
4. The aliens are about to make an announcement and all communication goes out. Your neighbor says that she/he heard that the aliens have announced they are going to destroy Earth. Do you believe him/her? Why?
Not really. If television is to be believed, Earth is rich with resources such as air and water, other compounds that are fantastically rare on other planets (but here we put them into vitamins), and food sources (especially tasty humans.) Never mind that the aliens’ very presence has upset our fundamental conceptions of the universe, thrown our societies into chaos, and that the aliens are probably going to strip-mine the planet for the previously-mentioned resources.
5. The aliens have announced that they will share their knowledge with humanity if a certain person has sex with one of them and they call your name. To make it more palatable, the alien can change into any porn star that you want. Knowing that your partner will find out if you say yes, will you do it?
My favorite porn star and an alien? Well, you know what they say, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I think the knowledge of how to turn into any porn star I want would be worth it. Never mind that I’d probably end up catching Space Herpies from the encounter. Or I’d end up like that guy from Alien. Or worst of all, both.
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