Oh, my, is it Friday again? Where did the week go…? Oh, that’s right, I spent it slaving over a computer. A red-hot computer.A thankless red-hot computer, might I add. One that seems to think I will taste like bacon.

1. What bad habits do you have?

I shoot messengers, put my eggs into one basket, and count my chickens before they hatch. I put the cart before the horse, I leap before I look, and put pride before a fall. I cry over spilled milk, I swear like a sailor, and I make omelets from broken eggs.

2. What bad habit would you most like to break?

Using clichés.

3. Have you ever overcome any bad habits? What were they?

Yes. There was a time that I used to post nothing but memes, but thenI… oh, wait, never mind….

4. Do you have any habits other people consider bad that you ratherlike about yourself? What are they?

Yes. I sleep and wake as though I were in the next time zone westward.

5. What habit annoys you most in other people?

Noisy Eating.

And now we once again turn to Wednesday Weirdness for mid-week inspiration.

1.) How easily are you insulted?

Insulted? Me? How dare you say such a thing! How dare you! Begone from my sight! Begone!
No, wait! Wait! Come back! I still have six more questions to answer.

2.) How often do you perform oral sex on your SO?

I’ve just been informed that the official answer is "not often enough." Thank you for playing, and we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

3.) What brand of shoes do you find to be most comfortable?

Oddly enough, they were steel-toed boots, but I don’t recall the brand.

4.) What are 3 to 5 items you NEVER leave the house without?

Like everyone else, wallet, keys, and phone.

5.) Who did you look up to as you were growing up? Who do you look up to now?

Most everyone. I was like four feet tall. Now I only look up to those six feet or taller.

6.) If you’ve ever been a strip club of any type, what was one of your most memorable moments?

There was one night in Vegas that was kind of a blur. I thought I was at a strip club, but I later found out that it was an automatic car wash.

7.) Should prostituation be legal? Why or why not?

Well, it’s legal in Nevada, isn’t it?

A friend told me there’d be a new TV series based on V this fall. "As in V for Vendetta?" I gasped. But no, he meant the rubber-masked guinea-pig-eating snake-faced invading aliens V. Which was the inspiration for this week’s Friday Five…

1. If aliens were invading, what would you do, hide or wait by your TV?

Neither. I’d cough Swine Flu all over them. Alien death machines are no match for superior Terran viruses. Never mind that they’d probably be as susceptible to my sniffles as I would be to Dutch Elm disease.

2. The aliens have landed and they haven’t blown the planet to bits, how would you react if they looked like us?

I would be incredibly surprised. The chances of that are utterly ludicrous. Never mind that’s what television has claimed all along.

3. What if the aliens were disgusting looking (like a pile of rotten cheese), then how would you react?

I would be a bit more satisfied, although I think even rotten cheese is a bit too terracentric. Never mind all those fools who’d claim the aliens were all Photoshopped.

4. The aliens are about to make an announcement and all communication goes out. Your neighbor says that she/he heard that the aliens have announced they are going to destroy Earth. Do you believe him/her? Why?

Not really. If television is to be believed, Earth is rich with resources such as air and water, other compounds that are fantastically rare on other planets (but here we put them into vitamins), and food sources (especially tasty humans.) Never mind that the aliens’ very presence has upset our fundamental conceptions of the universe, thrown our societies into chaos, and that the aliens are probably going to strip-mine the planet for the previously-mentioned resources.

5. The aliens have announced that they will share their knowledge with humanity if a certain person has sex with one of them and they call your name. To make it more palatable, the alien can change into any porn star that you want. Knowing that your partner will find out if you say yes, will you do it?

My favorite porn star and an alien? Well, you know what they say, it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I think the knowledge of how to turn into any porn star I want would be worth it. Never mind that I’d probably end up catching Space Herpies from the encounter. Or I’d end up like that guy from Alien. Or worst of all, both.

Today’s post has been brought to you by Wednesday Weirdness.

1. If your boss says, "I would like to talk to you about your internet usage" what would your first reaction be?

"This oughtta be good."

2. If you SO asks you "Does this make me look fat?" how do you answer?

"No, your fat makes you look fat."

3. What is one thing that you pay for, but resent having to do so?

Air. What, you don’t pay for air? What do you mean, nobody pays for air?

4. A day is being created in honor of you. How should we celebrate it?

Costumed revelry! Up-tempo singing and dancing! And barbecue!

5. What CD or Album in your music collection do you secretly enjoy,but would be embarrassed if others heard you grooving to it?

I’d be more embarrassed if someone saw me grooving to something in my collection.

6. How long do you think you would last if you were a contestant on Survivor?

Long enough for the narrator to ask, "and remember this guy from the season’s very first episode? Me neither! Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!"

And now, Sunday Stealing. I know you’ve all been waiting with breathless anticipation for this very moment, so without further ado, let’s commence.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

Bill Gates.

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

I wasn’t sure, so I looked up Romanticism. It was a movement against not only the social and political norms of the Age of Enlightenment, but also the scientific rationalization of nature. It stressed the experience of strong emotions, such as trepidation, horror, and awe, particularly when confronted by untamed nature and its picturesque qualities. I’m now fairly certain that I’ve never had a meal prepared or served in such a style.

3. How many colleges did you attend?

I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure I didn’t finish where I started, but the stuff between the start and the end is all sort of a blur of vomit and professors… so… yeah…

4. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

It was the last clean shirt in the closet.

5. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

Oh, no, not again.

6. Last thought before going to sleep last night?

Is that my alarm clock going off?

7. What do you miss being a child?

Being a child, you miss working, bosses, and taxes, though you don’t miss out on them for long.

8. What errand/chore do you despise?

Laundry. This is because I have to physically haul bags and bags of dirty socks to the laundromat.

9. Have you found real love yet?

Oh, nice loaded question! The question presumes that one is either looking for real love or has stopped because it was found. However, there are other valid states such as: stopped because it was not found; and never started. And anyway, what is "real" love? We can’t measure love with thermometers, electrodes, or statisitical analysis. We can only observe the behavior of others and theorize about its existence. We may find something that we conclude to be "real" when it matches our criteria. But our criteria may be faulty and we may mistakenly accept a low-fidelity facsimile or a bona fide counterfeit. Then again, a facsimile may be close enough for practical purposes…

10. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?

Depressed and frustrated.

11. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?

I assume this question refers to the ceremony rather than the institution. Yes, I think the ceremony is a little old-fashioned, not to mention a potentially huge waste of money, what with the famous statistic that 50% of all first marriages will end in divorce. However, it is obviously important enough to some people to have the pomp, grandeur and fanfare of a ceremony, and who am I to deprive them of that?

12. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

The Chairman of Kitchen Stadium. You know that would be a meal to remember.

13. Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?

Yes, but I think I was overreacting.

14. Somewhere in California you’ve never been and would like to go?

Hollywood, presuming it wasn’t flattened in tonight’s earthquake.

15. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

Oh, a false dilemma, now? This questionnaire gets better and better. The thing is that one can have multiple simultaneous careers and relationships. And, no, I’m not necessarily talking about cheating. There are other sorts of relationships besides amorous ones. Even so, the answer is "career," so long as it’s lucrative enough to maintain my lifestyle creditors in the style to which they are accustomed.

16. Do you have a “go to” person?

No, but I seem to have a lot of "come from" people.

17. Are you where you want to be in life?

There’s always room for improvement.

18. Over the years, what about you do you think has changed the most?

I believe that I’ve grown grumpy and impatient. Or rather, more grumpy and impatient. Slightly more, anyway.

19. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?

Ha! NO!

20. Are there times you still feel like a kid?

It’s usually first thing in the morning, and goes something like, "I don’t wanna go to work today. I don’t wanna. I don’t wannaaaaaa!" Oh, wait, you said feel, not act. Never mind.

21. Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?

I don’t know. I wasn’t the sort to get invited to such spots.

22. Who do you think impacted your life the most?

Are you sure you didn’t mean to say, "Who do you think had the greatest impact on your life?" Impacted means much the same thing as jammed, e.g., an impacted bowel due to constipation, an impacted wisdom tooth growing in sideways.

23. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?

Yeah, there was this really great math teacher who saw that we could all do better. He made all of us students work harder, and we eventually took the AP Calculus exam, and did so well that we were accused of cheating. Then, when the Cylons attacked he led us to safety. Wait, I think I’m thinking of Edward James Olmos. Never mind.

24. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?

I’ve recently started to.

25. What is the scariest thing that has happened to you as an adult?

That I’m telling stories that begin with "when I was your age."

26. What advice would you give to someone about to get married?

Enjoy your Prop 8, bitches.

27. What advice would you give someone starting their first job?

Why bother? They won’t understand until they’re old and bitter.

28. If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?

I think it would be more effective to just go and smack some sense back into my high school self. But I doubt he’d understand until he was old and bitter.

29. If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?

Sunbird used to make a Thai Chicken sauce mix. Then they canceled it. That’s what I’d change.