A friend recently sent me the list, "9 Things I Hate That people love to do." Now, I’m usually all for a good "X things I hate about Y" list, since I usually find most or all of those X things (or Y itself) to be somewhat irritating to myself as well. This one was a bit different, and either the writer didn’t think his points through, or he did and I’m just playing along into his little trap.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
We do that because everybody knows what it means. What other gesture would you suggest to convey the question? Perhaps making an hourglass figure in the air with the hands? No, that already means something else.
And no, you probably don’t point at your crotch when you need the toilet. You probably clutch at it and sort of dance around. We all know what that means, too.
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
I don’t know about you, but my TiVO doesn’t even have any buttons. So yeah, I could just walk over to the TV and change it… to a dead channel. Poop!
3. When people say ‘Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too’. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
Okay, I’ve never really liked that saying, either. My reasoning is that "have" and "eat" are synonymous when applied to cake, as in "We are going to have cake after dinner." To say that one can’t also "eat" has always seemed to draw a pointless and irritating distinction between the two. If I were enjoying a slice of cake and someone were to ask me whether I were having it or eating it, I could only answer "mu."
4. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
What would you have us say instead? "For the thousandth time, I have not seen the damn remote! Now either go change the channel at the set or shut up and watch ‘Secrets of the Sham-Wow’."
5. When people say while watching a film ‘did you see that?’. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
Actually, I also paid $12 to watch this movie, and this little "discussion" you two are having isn’t making it any easier.
6. People who ask ‘Can I ask you a question?’…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
"Can I ask you a question?"
"’May I ask’, dear."
"May I ask you a question?"
"No, you may not."
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
"Say, Bob, this new freeway sure is an improvement over going through town, isn’t it?"
8. When people say ‘life is short’. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
You’ll be dead for at least a few billion years, unless something weird happens.
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks ‘Has the bus come yet?’. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Not if you also missed it, dumbass.