This week’s Friday Five was about telephones, the device which I detest above all others. Could you live without your phone, for a week, for $500? it asks. Could and would. Vacation, here I come. Eat it, work!

But instead of answering the remaining four phone-related questions, I’ve decided to disturb the tomb of a different meme entirely. I finally got around to pulling the drive containing my home directory from my old desktop and connected it via USB to my notebook, as a first step in transfering my files to a FreeNAS server (which remains to be set up.) So I now have access to my music collection once again. Hearing some of the songs reminded me of a fun little exercise in randomness I tried a long time ago.

They say that if you load your music player with your entire collection, then set it for random play, it will somehow predict the soundtrack for an imaginary upcoming film about your life. I didn’t believe it until I tried it. I could not believe that my music player was capable of selecting random songs that I could read meaning into.

Opening Credits:
"Our Greatest Enemy is Fear," Christopher Franke
From the Babylon 5 episode, "Falling Toward Apotheosis." Sinister strings and synthesizers underlie a gentle piano in the foreground, implying danger at all sides. Then, in bursts the militant but hopeful Babylon 5 theme.
Waking Up:
"Now Is The Time (Secret Knowledge Overkill Mix)," Crystal Method
Birdlike sounds and subtle sound effects evoke morning on a mad scientist’s street. Of course, once the neighbors fire up their twisted apparati, the song takes on the character of a primitive video game soundtrack. Which is about how an average day goes for me, come to think of it.
First Day of School:
"Oh Yeah," Daft Punk
Oh, no. This repetitive drum pad and sound bite track evokes nothing of my first day of school. I’d substitute it with "My Country, ‘Tis of Thee."
Falling in Love:
"Missionary Man," Eurythmics
This song was mislabeled. It was actually their song, "Don’t Ask Me Why". This is a breakup song that seems to be saying, "if you can’t figure out why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you."
I think I’d have preferred "Missionary Man."
First Song:
"I Need A Man," Eurythmics
This song was also mislabeled. It was actually their song, "Love Is A Stranger" It seems to be saying that love is both wonderful and terrible.
Breaking Up:
"Robot Hell," Futurama
"Aw, crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?"
"Neptune, the Mystic," Gustav Holst
It’s eerie and otherworldly, such as might be heard in a science fiction movie, perhaps during panorama of an ancient and deserted alien world (deeply shrouded in mood mist, of course.)
"Firestarter (Instrumental)," Prodigy
Oddly enough, I rather do associate this song with driving. I first heard it in an old racing game for the original PlayStation called (I believe) Burnout XL. Even now, I occasionally have the urge to rasp, "Rocket… missile… mine…" when I hear this.
"The Interlocutor," Squirrel Nut Zippers
This instrumental, featuring banjo and (I think) backward spoons, wouldn’t have sounded far out of place in an old Looney Tunes cartoon. Perhaps it’s a flashback to a very rustic and very looney bar.
Starting a New Relationship:
"Sour Girl," Stone Temple Pilots
"She was a sour girl the day that she met me. Hey, what are you looking at? She was a happy girl the day that she left me."
This doesn’t seem promising, does it? Could we switch the last two? Have a saddish flashback and a loony love affair?
"The Best of Times," Styx
Perhaps oddly appropriate:
Tonight’s the night we’ll make history, honey, you and I.
And I’ll take any risk to tie back the hands of time….
The best of times are when I’m alone with you
Some rain some shine, we’ll make this a world for two….
The headlines read these are the worst of times
I do believe it’s true
I feel so helpless like a boat against the tide
I wish the summer winds could bring back paradise
But I know, if the world turned upside down
Baby, I know you’d always be around.

Birth of Child:
"Crystal Ball," Styx
Hmm, I don’t think I’ve ever even heard this one before. But I suppose that a song about someone begging to know the future would be appropriate in this situation.
Final Battle:
"Fill The Fields," Talk Show.
I think this song is a little too mellow to be a battle of any sort. Couldn’t I have had something by John Williams instead?
Death Scene:
"Where the Streets Have No Name," U2
I suppose the opening would work. It’s kind of moody and solemn, but then it becomes more joyful as the guitar joins in. So I guess it could work for perhaps a heroic sacrifice-and-redemption sort of death scene.
"Did I… *gasp* *wheeze* Did I do it?"
"You saved us… you saved us all!"
"How nice. *croak*"

Funeral Song:
"Green Hornet Theme," The Ventures
All right, I have no idea what sort of funeral this would be. Unless I was, unbeknownst to everyone, secretly the Green Hornet all along! But even then, the song would have to be played solemnly and sadly, not with vivacious surf rock energy. And really, if my death scene was to be accompanied by the intro to "Where the Streets Have No Name," why not just montage the funeral into the remainder of that song? And then we’ll just use "Green Hornet Theme" for my final battle.
End Credits:
"Tank!," Yoko Kanno
This song is well known as the intro to the anime series Cowboy Bebop. When I first saw the show’s intro I was so blown away by it, that I demanded everybody else in the house immediately come into the room to watch it again with me.

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