An Open Letter To Noisy Eaters

Dear Noisy Eaters Of The World,

Congratulations, you’re the first to recieve an Electronic Replicant Cease and Desist Letter. Why? Because the ludicrous amount of sound you make at your snacks and meals drives me completely and utterly mad. Sometimes I can hear your smacking, slurping, crunching and grunting from another room entirely.

Is it so much to ask that you people keep your lips together? Please don’t tell me that you’ll suffocate. You know that thing in the middle of your face, the one with two holes? The thing that leads you to your food? Guess what? That thing is actually connected to your lungs, and it’s fantastic for breathing through.

If you can’t close your mouth because you’ve overstuffed your face, you should take smaller bites. Really. A cheeseburger is not bite-sized. Not even those cute little mini-burgers are bite sized.

Experts agree, you shouldn’t bite off more than you can chew in ten seconds. This is so that you can carry on mealtime conversation without reminding your tablemates of Gallagher’s Sledge-o-Matic.

Now, if your meal has left a bit of food wedged uncomfortably between your teeth, do not just sit there trying to suck it out. You’ll sound like a leaky faucet, but you’ll be twice as annoying because you can’t be turned off. There are a couple of fantastic inventions— called the toothpick, the toothbrush, and dental floss— that are perfect in this situation. Hie your ass to the restroom and dislodge that sucker, and as a bonus you can freshen up that garlic breath.

Chewing gum is also good for freshening the breath, but let me point out something about gum-chewing technique. The actors in chewing gum commercials only gnash their teeth to demonstrate to you that they are chewing gum. This is totally unneccessary for anybody else to do, because it makes a sound not unlike a large horse walking down the street.

In conclusion, noisy eaters of the world, loose lips are freaking annoying.


The Electronic Replicant

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3 thoughts on “An Open Letter To Noisy Eaters”

  1. Oh my God, you used the word hie. You are SO cool! Not only did you use the word hie, but you used it with the word ass and it all made beautiful, perfect sense. You are a rock star. I am in deep admiration. I have been trying for years to casually use the word hie and have met with nothing but failure. But you have done it. BraVO!
    And, btw, this is a sincere comment, however goofy that may sound. It occurred to me that if you heard a sarcastic tone in my sentiments that would make me a big jerk. But I really do mean it. I am in awe.
    P.S. Sari sent me here.

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