April's Closing and Signature

Dear Blog,

Oops.

Sorry for neglecting you this past week. I feel like I’ve let you down, Blog, since I know you were looking forward to a full month of letters. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. Maybe I didn’t punch enough holes in the lid of the peanut butter jar that I put my muse in… or maybe my muse was just allergic to peanuts. Or, maybe my internal editor is just turned up too high. (I believe I’ve deleted more of this post than I’ve left in.) Or maybe I’ve just been too busy. (Pay no attention to the Wii behind the curtain! And inhale not its seductive new electronics smell!)

So, since this is the last day of April, I think it’d be appropriate to thank the readers for their patience with the theme of letters. So, thanks, readers!

And, since some of the letters were well-received (as well as fun to write) I think that the open letter format will be seen again… just not quite this often.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant.

April 30, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 2 Comments »

Another Open Letter To Drivers

Dear Drivers,

Consider this case. Two narrow but busy streets meet at a four way stop. Each street is divided by a double yellow line. Driver A stops at the stop sign. Driver B stops behind Driver A and waits patiently. Driver A’s reverse lights come on. Driver B assumes that Driver A’s having gearshift trouble and waits patiently a few more moments. Driver A begins making impatient gestures to Driver B. Driver B then realizes that Driver A means to parallel park in the space slightly behind Driver B. Driver B is aware that attempting to pass Driver A here would be dangerous and illegal. Driver B is also aware that going into reverse would also be dangerous and probably also illegal.

The proper thing to for Driver A to do here, dear Driver, would be to just move along and hope that the parking space will still be available after a trip around the block. What do you suppose Driver A actually did? Would you believe that Driver A instructed Passenger A to get out of the vehicle and announce to Driver B and the recently-arrived Driver C that Driver A not only intended to, but would park in that particular space?

What is it about the automobile that makes one believe that one is the center of the universe? Perhaps it’s some sense of insulation created when one’s got the windows up, the engine purring, the air conditioner roaring, and the stereo blasting. Well, dear driver, that’s only an illusion. If there is a center of the universe, it’s almost a certainty that it’s nowhere near any of us.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

P.S. The proper user of the car horn is to warn other drivers of danger, such as— oh, I don’t know— a car driving down the wrong side of the road.

April 24, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 3 Comments »

On the Evolution of Robotkind

Dear Readers,

And now for something completely slightly different.


Robot Evolution – For more amazing video clips, click here

As impressive as the rise of the robot has been, in the spirit of Earth Day, I pose the question: are robots bad for the environment? I am afraid that the answer is currently yes. They combine the toxic chemicals and heavy metals found in computers with the oil and pollution found in automobiles. Even though a few robots are powered by internal combustion engines, most robots draw power from the electrical grid, much of which is still generated by coal and oil.

We should think now about how future robots could be made more environmentally friendly, rather than (as with the automobile) after it’s too late. I suggest that mass-produced robots of the future be made from recycled and recyclable materials, such as steel and aluminum. We shouldn’t use any material that has to be thrown into a landfill at the end of its life, although something that could be thrown into a compost heap— like cork— would be acceptable.

Big batteries are full of nasty chemicals, and are also heavy and take loads of energy to cart around. However, if we rule out internal combustion, what sort of power source is left? Nuclear?

Well, a nuclear-powered humanoid robot wouldn’t need a whole lot of fuel to run— but, no, that would be rather dangerous. Even though it would last for a long time— but no.

That leaves a couple of other options. One option may be to design some sort of food-powered robot. But a better option may be to use a fuel cell to generate power from hydrogen, or more likely, ethanol or alcohol.

There would still be the issue of robot emissions, but as long as the fuel was derived from plants, there shouldn’t be a net increase in greenhouse gases, unless of course, the plants were being converted into ethanol or alcohol faster than they were replenished.

April 23, 2008 | Posted in: letters, link-o-rama, robotics, video | 4 Comments »

Open Letter to Corridor Congregators

Dear Corridor Congregators,

Excuse me. I don’t mean to intrude on your little get-together, but you leave me no choice.Maybe you haven’t noticed, but you’re gathered in a walkway, hallway, path, tunnel, or other public space which serves to provide access to elsewhere.

Although I respect your right to peaceably assemble, the fact that your group remains stationary whilst blathering away is making things difficult for those of us on our way to elsewhere.

You see, my dear corridor congregators, there’s only a limited amount of space in this space, and that space is meant to conduct traffic.

Therefore, may I humbly suggest that you and your entourage conduct yourselves to the nearest social space— be it a coffee house, food court, tavern, lawn or garden— and continue your conversation there.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

April 21, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 2 Comments »

Open Letter to Drivers

Dear Drivers,

Have you ever noticed that there always seems to be that one crazy person on the road that totally ruins whatever maneuver you need to make? No? Then guess what, you’re that person.

Here are some of the things you’ve done today, and what you should have done instead.

NO. Stopped at a signal a full car’s length behind the person in front of you, thereby blocking access to the left turn lane.

YES. Moved forward to allow people into the left turn lane.

NO. Tried to beat the signal, turned left on aging yellow light. Blocked the intersection.

YES. Waited for next green arrow.

NO. Blocked traffic in right lane to encourage another driver to leave a parking lot.

YES. Continued on.

NO. Blocked both lanes of parking lot’s driveway while waiting to turn.

YES. Blocked only one lane of parking lot’s driveway.

NO. Parked behemoth monster truck in four parking spaces at once.

YES. Walked.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

April 19, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 3 Comments »

EL-E-VATE!

Dear Building Management,

First of all, thank you for having an elevator. Although I could probably use at least one walk up a flight of stairs every day, it’s ever so much easier to take the elevator, even if it’s ever so much slower. I can’t recall having taken a slower elevator. Except once, but I think that may have actually been a tree house. And I’m not sure, but that tree house might have been a little faster.

I’m pleased that you acknowledged this problem and took action, even if that action was only to install vending machines to coax still more money from your tenants. Don’t get me wrong— I like a good dose of caffiene and high-fructose corn syrup as much as the next guy. However, I believe that a more efficient solution exists.

I propose that you link the auto gate keypad to the elevator call button. Think about it. If someone drives in through the gate, then at some point they’ll call the elevator. Why not automatically send the elevator down to the the ground floor?

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

April 17, 2008 | Posted in: letters | No Comments »

Flaming Android Pants

Dear Readers,

And now for something completely different.


This animatronic shopping cart was built as an art project. "I was interested in the concept of automating aspects of society that were considered not so ‘glamorous’," says the builder. "For example, homeless people live in extremely dangerous environments. Shouldn’t there be automated equipment used by this strata of society?"

Interesting idea! But why stop there? Why not completely mechanize this dangerous and thankless industry? Let all the panhandling and vagrancy be handled by robots! These robots could be designed specifically for extreme weather conditions, and could even be configured to accept donations via SpeedPass or SMS. The robots could be semi-autonomous, operated by telepresence from the comfort of the nearest wi-fi hot spot! One operator could coordinate panhandling and vagrancy operations at several locations concurrently! The productivity gains would be unbelievable!

Artistically Yours,

The Electronic Replicant

April 16, 2008 | Posted in: letters, robotics, video | 5 Comments »

An Open Letter to Lazy People…

Dear Lazy Writers,

I was going to address this letter to "Lazy People Who Can’t Be Arsed To Use Proper Grammar And Spelling Because They Want Us To Believe That They Are Too Busy To Do So Or Because They Think it Makes Them Look Cooler Than They Really Are," but that’s ridiculously long and probably won’t even fit in the title field.

I see you Lazy Writers a lot in forums. Somebody will post a relatively well-written question, such as "How can I change the hardware address of my PC?" You will then reply to this with something almost lolcattish:

u cant do that bc its burnt into ur rom u get new card n use that one

Maybe your answer was technically correct, but I’m certain that almost 99% of people reading that thread are going to ignore whatever it was you were trying to say. Why? Because you look like a moron. Not cool, but a moron.

Are you really so pressed for time that you can’t afford the few extra seconds that it would take to not sound like a moron? You obviously must have some very important things that you ought to be doing, but then why are you spending time answering questions on a forum? I guess those things can’t be all that important after all.

In conclusion, dear Lazy Writers, stop being so lazy if you want people to take you seriously.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

April 14, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 3 Comments »

Buh-nah nuna-nah nuna-nah-nah…

Dear Tequila,

Do you recall why I told you, all those years ago, that I never wanted to see you again? Well, I do.

The only reason I spent any time at all with you last night was because you were with some good friends of mine. It had been so long since we’d seen one another that I forgot the terrible things you are capable of. Why, I recently even began to wonder if I hadn’t been misjudging you all this time. I had thought that maybe things had changed, that perhaps you had changed.

I was wrong.

You haven’t changed a bit.

So, dear Tequila, if you come near me again, I’ll have you arrested.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

April 13, 2008 | Posted in: letters | No Comments »

A Funny Feeling

Dear Readers,

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched?

schultzbotz, uploaded by onkel chrispy

Me too!

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

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April 10, 2008 | Posted in: letters | 6 Comments »
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