One of these days, I’ll write a proper "About the Author" page. Until then, you’re going to have to infer your facts from the questionnaires to which I keep responding. This one has been brought to you by I Don’t Want To Be Normal .

1. If you were a Muppet and had to pick ANOTHER Muppet to be your best friend, who would you pick?

Oscar the Grouch. He’s mean, he’s green, he lives in a trash can, and enjoys nothing more than telling his neighbors to scram. Why I would want a friend like this, I don’t know, other than that we’d have so much in common.

OSCAR: Scram!

ME: No, you scram!

OSCAR: I was here first!

ME: Bite my shiny metal ass!

OSCAR: Come over here and say that to my face!

ME: *fiery belch*

And a good time was has by all.

2. Would you rather live on Sesame Street, with the Muppets on the Muppet Show, or down at Fraggle Rock?
At the Muppet Show, of course. Things don’t blow up or turn into cheese as often at Sesame Street, and I think the Rock would be a bit cramped for one of my ginormous stature, and I fear I’d just become a sideshow attraction. "Come one, come all! Step right up and gawk at the Silly Creature! Never fear, he doesn’t bite!"
3. If you were forced to date a Walt Disney Character (human or animal), who would it be?
Do the live action movies (Puff the Magic Dragon, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, etc.) count? Even if they did, I’d have to, for purely pragmatic reasons, choose the Genie. Hello, three wishes!
4. If you could only eat one vegetable ever again, what would it be?
The versatile squash. It’s full of vitamins and can be prepared in so many different ways.
5. Do you have any recurring dreams?
I used to dream about being trapped in an evil elevator that would rocket up and down at random. Yes, just like the Tower of Terror, except that it’s a seemingly normal elevator, and it doesn’t stop after thirty seconds
6. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Let me tell you a little story. The other day, I was at Jack-in-the-Box. There was a short line to the counter, maybe three people long, and I took my place at the end, a respectable four or five feet away from the guy ahead of me. In walks this girl, who walks right up to my back as though she’s magnetized. She’s standing about two feet from me, practically breathing down my neck.

Now, some of you may be giving her the benefit of the doubt, wondering if perhaps I’m being a jerk by standing too close to the door, leaving my new "friend" the choice of either standing outside or cramming her ass into the restaurant I assure you this was not the case. This was a giant Jack-in-the-Box. There would have had to have been forty people in line for that to have even been able to have happened, and if that were the case, I’d not have stayed. No, there were now only about five people in line altogether.

Yes, I was indeed in front of an Urger , someone who believes that urging people in a line to stand closer together makes the line shorter. That it may well do, but it will not make the cashier move any faster. I sighed loudly, but this was only the beginning! The Urger whipped out a cell phone and began to yell directions to the restaurant into it– and also into my ear.

Now I had no choice but to step away from her and cut into my other neighbor’s personal space. Being an Urger, though, she quickly followed, until I was as close to my other neighbor as she was to me.

Now, if I’d had the power to fart on demand, we wouldn’t ever have made it to this point. Oh, no. Once the phone had come out, I’d have unleashed the loudest trumpeting ripper you’d ever had heard. I would bet you she would have kept her distance after that.

7. Did you rename your Cabbage Patch Kids, or keep them with the name Xaiver Roberts gave them? What were they called?
For your information, I played with Transformers, not Cabbage Patch Kids.
8. First Concert you ever went to?
I saw the Squirrel Nut Zippers at the Warfield.
9. Does it bother you that Sebastian Bach from Skid Row was acting in Gilmore Girls?
No. I care for neither Skid Row nor the Gilmore Girls.
10. What are the Best 3 Simpsons episodes?
I don’t really watch the Simpsons. Any three of the "Tree House of Terror" episodes, I guess.
11. BONUS QUESTION (since Sara didn’t include a #11). What was the last book you read?
Bait and Switch.
12. Who do you tag?
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