The Electronic Replicant

Though I risk of sounding like the Biggest Geek In The World, I hereby present a D&D flavored Link-o-Rama.

First is the list of Worst D&D Monsters of All Time. Oddly enough, or perhaps not so oddly, I was familiar with most of them (Gas Spore, check. Flumph, check. Stench Kow, check) but I had never before heard of the Worst Monster Of All Time, which had me literally howling in my chair.

Next is The DM Of The Rings, a photocomic that tells the story of Lord of the Rings as though it were a D&D campaign. While not exactly new, it's still quite amusing, telling the tale of a story-bound DM and the player characters unlucky enough to be railroaded though his elaborate campaign setting.

I believe I've saved the best for last. Inspired by the previous comic, Darths and Droids tells the story of The Phantom Menace in the form of an RPG. This comic is just brilliant, and I was compelled to read it start to finish in one sitting. Unlike the characters in the previous comic, the ones in this strip seem to actually be having fun, and loads of it.

Anyone up for a game night? I think I still have all my old books in a box somewhere— no? Sigh...

Greetings, Readers!

Looks like I'm back. Even though it was really only an extended weekend getaway, and in the end, I didn't really get away, I still had a wonderful time, thank you.

On Friday, we arrived in San Francisco. I usually fly to Oakland, but this time, we went to San Francisco International. An interesting thing about this airport is that it has a computerized tram that passengers can ride from one terminal to the next, to the BART station, and to the car rental building. We were given a giant SUV, since the midsized cars were apparently all checked out and the rental desk was understaffed.

We then began the long drive to wine country, which remained much as I remembered it. After checking in at the dumpy motel, we met up with some friends. The gathering soon became a Rock Band party.

I learned that playing the drums is "freaking impossible" while playing the bass is "indeed quite challenging." I also learned that there is no song that I cannot murder, although by the end of the night, I was able to get a 91% rating on a Radiohead song.

On Saturday, I discovered that I was in the presence of a fellow Flickr member, and so we engaged in the sacred ritual of the photowalk. Fortunately, there was a small street fair of some kind up the street. While we snapped photos of scooters and musicians, the non-photography-geeks sat, listened to music, and discussed MMORPGs.

After a while, we all piled into the SUV and drove to Oakland for the Dream Theater show. I'd never been to the Paramount Theater in Oakland before, but it was quite a treat. Delightful Art Deco decoration was everywhere, although I was unsure as to how much of it was actually original. The show itself was, well, mostly it was loud. Which was to be expected, of course. What I did not expect was that the opening acts were mostly all death metal. The musicianship of the groups was great, but lyrics delivered in a drawn-out belching sound just doesn't do it for me. I suppose that's an odd thing for me to say, since I usually manage not to understand traditionally delivered lyrics. Or maybe it's not an odd thing to say, since because of that, I tend to consider the vocals as just another instrument. So maybe it's the same as preferring fiddles to bagpipes.

Anyway, by the time the main act (which was all I had expected) had finished, we were all quite restless, as it had been a long concert. We finished the evening at a Lyon's restaurant, where we discovered that if one has no better excuse, telling someone the time in an incredulous tone often works just as well.

On Sunday, we drove out to Cafe Citti in Kenwood, which is worth a try, if you're in the neighborhood. I usually order the special and have rarely been disappointed. However, the ravioli is also very good, and friends swear by the fusilli and AOP (garlic, olive oil, and pancetta.) Afterward, we saw Iron Man. I was thoroughly entertained and felt that it was a decent adaptation of the comic book. Now, when I saw X-Men, I left the theater feeling as though I'd really seen the real X-Men. I didn't quite have that feeling leaving the theater after Iron Man, but I did leave with satisfaction and excitement, especially after waiting through the credits for the easter egg.

I believe that the rest of the evening was spent playing Mario Kart Wii and watching Superbad. Although this wasn't the sort of movie I'd choose on my own, it did have some amusing moments.

On Monday, we took a scenic drive through Sebastopol, Bodega, Jenner and Guerneville. The Northern California coast is beautiful and dramatic, though the waters are cold and often full of dangerous currents and jagged rocks. And although the weather is often (as it was Monday) what most people would classify as "gloomy," it brings fond memories to mind of the town further up the coast where I lived as a boy. As did the redwood grove we visited later that day. Not so much the burger stand we visited after that, fortunately. The evening was filled with more Mario Kart and a showing of Planet Terror.

On Tuesday, we bid farewell to the dumpy motel and drove back to San Francisco. There, we took a cruise out to Alcatraz Island, which was surprisingly beautiful. Much of the island was closed off due to nesting sea birds (the parade ground) or to the danger posed by the age of the crumbling structures (the factory buildings). So we went on the audio tour of the prison, walked around the lighthouse and exercise yard, and then bid farewell to Alcatraz.

Then, we did a very touristy move and ate dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe at Fisherman's Wharf, before returning the rental car and flying home. And that was that. I was a little bummed that I didn't get to go to Maker Faire or back to the Computer History Museum... but there's always next time.

Dear Readers,

I'm at last packing my bags and taking off for a few days. To relax and sip mai-tais on a tropical shore fine wines at exclusive wineries cold beer on a fishing boat in the company of friends.

The guest author I was going to treat you to sort of exploded— bad capacitors, I assume— so instead you'll have to amuse yourselves with Twitter updates, should you find such things amusing:

Electronic Love,

The Electronic Replicant

Dear Blog,

Oops.

Sorry for neglecting you this past week. I feel like I've let you down, Blog, since I know you were looking forward to a full month of letters. It wasn't your fault. It was mine. Maybe I didn't punch enough holes in the lid of the peanut butter jar that I put my muse in... or maybe my muse was just allergic to peanuts. Or, maybe my internal editor is just turned up too high. (I believe I've deleted more of this post than I've left in.) Or maybe I've just been too busy. (Pay no attention to the Wii behind the curtain! And inhale not its seductive new electronics smell!)

So, since this is the last day of April, I think it'd be appropriate to thank the readers for their patience with the theme of letters. So, thanks, readers!

And, since some of the letters were well-received (as well as fun to write) I think that the open letter format will be seen again... just not quite this often.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant.

Dear Drivers,

Consider this case. Two narrow but busy streets meet at a four way stop. Each street is divided by a double yellow line. Driver A stops at the stop sign. Driver B stops behind Driver A and waits patiently. Driver A's reverse lights come on. Driver B assumes that Driver A's having gearshift trouble and waits patiently a few more moments. Driver A begins making impatient gestures to Driver B. Driver B then realizes that Driver A means to parallel park in the space slightly behind Driver B. Driver B is aware that attempting to pass Driver A here would be dangerous and illegal. Driver B is also aware that going into reverse would also be dangerous and probably also illegal.

The proper thing to for Driver A to do here, dear Driver, would be to just move along and hope that the parking space will still be available after a trip around the block. What do you suppose Driver A actually did? Would you believe that Driver A instructed Passenger A to get out of the vehicle and announce to Driver B and the recently-arrived Driver C that Driver A not only intended to, but would park in that particular space?

What is it about the automobile that makes one believe that one is the center of the universe? Perhaps it's some sense of insulation created when one's got the windows up, the engine purring, the air conditioner roaring, and the stereo blasting. Well, dear driver, that's only an illusion. If there is a center of the universe, it's almost a certainty that it's nowhere near any of us.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

P.S. The proper user of the car horn is to warn other drivers of danger, such as— oh, I don't know— a car driving down the wrong side of the road.

Dear Readers,

And now for something completely slightly different.

As impressive as the rise of the robot has been, in the spirit of Earth Day, I pose the question: are robots bad for the environment? I am afraid that the answer is currently yes. They combine the toxic chemicals and heavy metals found in computers with the oil and pollution found in automobiles. Even though a few robots are powered by internal combustion engines, most robots draw power from the electrical grid, much of which is still generated by coal and oil.

We should think now about how future robots could be made more environmentally friendly, rather than (as with the automobile) after it's too late. I suggest that mass-produced robots of the future be made from recycled and recyclable materials, such as steel and aluminum. We shouldn't use any material that has to be thrown into a landfill at the end of its life, although something that could be thrown into a compost heap— like cork— would be acceptable.

Big batteries are full of nasty chemicals, and are also heavy and take loads of energy to cart around. However, if we rule out internal combustion, what sort of power source is left? Nuclear?

Well, a nuclear-powered humanoid robot wouldn't need a whole lot of fuel to run— but, no, that would be rather dangerous. Even though it would last for a long time— but no.

That leaves a couple of other options. One option may be to design some sort of food-powered robot. But a better option may be to use a fuel cell to generate power from hydrogen, or more likely, ethanol or alcohol.

There would still be the issue of robot emissions, but as long as the fuel was derived from plants, there shouldn't be a net increase in greenhouse gases, unless of course, the plants were being converted into ethanol or alcohol faster than they were replenished.

Dear Corridor Congregators,

Excuse me. I don't mean to intrude on your little get-together, but you leave me no choice.Maybe you haven't noticed, but you're gathered in a walkway, hallway, path, tunnel, or other public space which serves to provide access to elsewhere.

Although I respect your right to peaceably assemble, the fact that your group remains stationary whilst blathering away is making things difficult for those of us on our way to elsewhere.

You see, my dear corridor congregators, there's only a limited amount of space in this space, and that space is meant to conduct traffic.

Therefore, may I humbly suggest that you and your entourage conduct yourselves to the nearest social space— be it a coffee house, food court, tavern, lawn or garden— and continue your conversation there.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

Dear Drivers,

Have you ever noticed that there always seems to be that one crazy person on the road that totally ruins whatever maneuver you need to make? No? Then guess what, you're that person.

Here are some of the things you've done today, and what you should have done instead.

NO. Stopped at a signal a full car's length behind the person in front of you, thereby blocking access to the left turn lane.

YES. Moved forward to allow people into the left turn lane.

NO. Tried to beat the signal, turned left on aging yellow light. Blocked the intersection.

YES. Waited for next green arrow.

NO. Blocked traffic in right lane to encourage another driver to leave a parking lot.

YES. Continued on.

NO. Blocked both lanes of parking lot's driveway while waiting to turn.

YES. Blocked only one lane of parking lot's driveway.

NO. Parked behemoth monster truck in four parking spaces at once.

YES. Walked.

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

Dear Building Management,

First of all, thank you for having an elevator. Although I could probably use at least one walk up a flight of stairs every day, it's ever so much easier to take the elevator, even if it's ever so much slower. I can't recall having taken a slower elevator. Except once, but I think that may have actually been a tree house. And I'm not sure, but that tree house might have been a little faster.

I'm pleased that you acknowledged this problem and took action, even if that action was only to install vending machines to coax still more money from your tenants. Don't get me wrong— I like a good dose of caffiene and high-fructose corn syrup as much as the next guy. However, I believe that a more efficient solution exists.

I propose that you link the auto gate keypad to the elevator call button. Think about it. If someone drives in through the gate, then at some point they'll call the elevator. Why not automatically send the elevator down to the the ground floor?

Sincerely,

The Electronic Replicant

Dear Readers,

And now for something completely different.

This animatronic shopping cart was built as an art project. "I was interested in the concept of automating aspects of society that were considered not so 'glamorous'," says the builder. "For example, homeless people live in extremely dangerous environments. Shouldn't there be automated equipment used by this strata of society?"

Interesting idea! But why stop there? Why not completely mechanize this dangerous and thankless industry? Let all the panhandling and vagrancy be handled by robots! These robots could be designed specifically for extreme weather conditions, and could even be configured to accept donations via SpeedPass or SMS. The robots could be semi-autonomous, operated by telepresence from the comfort of the nearest wi-fi hot spot! One operator could coordinate panhandling and vagrancy operations at several locations concurrently! The productivity gains would be unbelievable!

Artistically Yours,

The Electronic Replicant

Posted on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 11:01 PM
Edited on: Wednesday, April 16, 2008 12:03 AM
Categories: letters, robotics
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Name: Erik

Location: San Diego, California

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